She wants to lead the glamorous life!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Seek and You Will Find

At about 7:15 am, I sat in my car waiting for it to thaw. I was headed to church and had my bible. I used the time to seek a message. You see there have been some things on my mind recently. Some, more conscious than others. But I believe I have pinpointed what the stand out theme is. After spending the majority of 2010 single, I am ready to settle down and grow within a healthy relationship. In an effort to let God know that I am serious, I have begun to focus my prayers on this aspect, I mean really focus. Mainly because, within the past year I have simply been doing me, without really worrying about a partner. I have gotten to know myself and sometimes feel the most comfortable by myself. Recently I have had some dreams that upon further meditation, lead me to believe there is a major lesson God is trying to get me to understand. The man you are looking for, most likely will not be rummaging through your house at night (fingers crossed). You have to go out and meet people again. You have to interact and trust people again. You must leave the comfort of your home sometimes. If you desire a relationship, you must take care in not becoming complacent with your current predicament of singleness.

The scripture that came to me was Psalm 34:4 which begins: I sought the Lord, and he answered me. It touched me so much I sent the scripture to a few people via text. It was a message. Then in church, the scripture highlighted was Luke 11:5-13. This passage among other things states: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Okay, so here I stand, bold enough to say that I am seeking, knocking and asking.

But that's where I get insecure. I want to make sure what I seek is right, righteous. I know for a fact that God will provide. In the past I have asked for things and got exactly that. For instance, my last serious boyfriend was EXACTLY what I had asked God for, and let me tell you, he was an absolute MESS! What I learned was, what I wanted was not always in my best interest. I asked for a man with a good job, he was a chemical engineer and so busy with work he never had time for me. I wanted someone who made 'good money' and handled it well. He did, but he was stingy with it. While my salary at that time was a good $50K less than his, and I was struggling, eating canned sardines at times for dinner. This dude was sitting on, in his words, about $20K in savings. He was a family man, but his family took precedence over me every time. I wanted someone who was single with no kids. He did not have children, but his mentality was definitely that of a single man. Never surrendering to the relationship.

What I sought was all wrong. I should have asked God for a thoughtful man of God. A man who loved me unconditionally. I brotha who enjoyed being with me. A giving and honest man. A true partner in this life. I will never doubt what God can do for me, but as I grow wiser in my walk, I ask him to make my most critical decisions. I let him know what I want, but asks that he will sweep my heart and see my deepest desires. On the surface, I am asking for a man who is financially stable, but in essence, the key is stability. I can struggle alone. When I say I desire a thoughtful man, what I want is someone who thinks of me and considers my thoughts, my joys, my pain. When I say I want a 'good man', the core of that statement is I want a friend. Someone I can be proud of, someone who encourages me to be my best. Someone who steadily progresses.

Yes, I will continue to seek. I will continue to ask. And yes, here I stand God, knocking. I know you hear me. My prayer is that you bless this child of yours with the patience to wait for what it is that YOU will. For that seems to be the best solution in all issues and problems. Whether it's through internet dating, walking down the street or through a hookup. I want what is best by YOUR standards.

Have you ever examined what it is you seek? Is it really what is best or just what YOU think is best?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

T.V. Guide

Tonight is the premier of 'The Game'. The popular show has been picked up by BET, much to their fan's delight. When I say fans, I mean EVERYONE that is on Twitter and Facebook. Okay, maybe not EVERYone, but it seems to be all anyone can talk about.

I've seen the show, and enjoyed it. No complaints here. But like so many other TV programs, I missed an episode or two, fell behind on what was going on, and eventually lost interest. The crazy thing is, the more people get hyped up about it, the less enthused I become.

Now I hate to be a television snob, but I'm more likely to get excited about Sunday Morning, 60 minutes, This Week, 30 Rock, old reruns of Living Single or 48 Hours Mystery. Again, by no means am I above shows like The Game, but it does not intrigue me the way it seemed to others tonight.

I remember years back, a young woman, the cousin of a guy I was dating. We were all going out, and she was nose-deep in a Zane book reading in the backseat of his car. I told her how I had never read Zane and had no interest, despite it's popularity. Her response: 'Girl, you ain't a real woman, if you ain't read Zane!' I thought to myself, 'I have sex, I don't have to read about it!'

That brings me to my point, I have had my share of drama. I really don't need to watch other's. I know real housewives and how utterly boring their lives can be. I also know women from Atlanta, who are tame, classy and smart, so RHOA does not excite. I have personally been caught in a love triangle. Not. Fun. At. All. I have seen what a baby conceived outside of a marriage can do to a relationship. Therefore, watching a soap opera featuring one, does not entice me. My sister was a teen mom, at a time when it was still a closely guarded secret and severely frowned upon. I know how tough it can be for a family. I do not need to see it on TV.

My good girlfriend will not go anywhere on Law & Order: SVU night. I, on the other hand, am loyal to no TV show. There is no scripted program that will pull me away from life itself. I do not judge others for taking pleasure in being able to forget their own cares and worries, to be entertained by others. But I do feel as a society we are pulling further away from each other. How many times do you talk on your cell phone when you are with someone? You are in the company of a live human, but you would rather talk to someone on the phone about most likely, absolutely nothing. How often are you out to dinner with friends and family, texting all the while? Is it more important to update your Facebook status or post on Twitter what you are doing and where you are doing it, instead of just DOING it? I can say I have been guilty of it, posting every detail of my life instead of just enjoying it and living in the moment.

I have personally pulled away from my TV. Partially because my cable bill was getting stupid, but mainly because I will not let it rule me. I will not become a program slave, staying in the house to watch shows that will most likely air again or I can pull from Youtube. Most of the shows we watch will return the following week. Can we be so sure that WE will as well?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Trash Talk

As I was parking my car on my block today, there was a van pulled in front my apartment building. This would not have normally concerned me, but not only was it parked in the only handicapped spot on the block, but the driver rolled his window down to throw out his lottery tickets. Something people very close to me know is, I absolutely DETEST litterers! I mean I cannot stand the notion that you will throw garbage on the streets.

I walked to the van and pick up the tickets before they blew away. I asked if it was garbage. To this, the 50-plus man shrugged his shoulders. I shook my head in annoyance and walked to my gate. At the same time a man was exiting. We exchanged 'how you doings'. I asked if he was going to the van to which he said, 'yes'. I told him to ask his friend not to litter on the block. He said he would and I heard him do so when he reached the van.
There is this ridiculous notion that garbage pickup is someone's job security. In fact, in urban neighborhoods like mine, nothing could be further from the truth. Besides the ever-present police force, I have NEVER seen a city worker in my neighborhood doing anything but putting boots on delinquent ticket-payer's cars. When I see trash being picked up, it's by concerned neighbors only.

If you litter, you're an ASSHOLE! Period. I'm sick of seeing empty Flamin' Hot Cheetos bags, Swisher Black & Mild wrappers or even the occasional Magnum condom remnants. Take it to the garbage.

Cry Baby

I'm at a neighborhood coffe 'lounge', having a latte and taking advantage of their free wi-fi. I invited my girlfriend and Woodlawn neighbor, April, to join me for a beverage and chat. I of course made sure to invite her handsome soon-to-be 2-year-old son, AJ, to come along. AJ was doing quite well at first, coloring in his coloring book, only getting slightly frustrated when the tip of one of his crayons broke. But soon, he spotted something that April and I did not even notice, a toy car. It was the possession of a little boy only 2-3 years AJ's senior. The boy, being a 'good boy' brought the toy over to let AJ see it up close and personal. He was about to let AJ hold it, until April informed the little boy, he would never hold possession of it again.

Frustrated, AJ began to cry. Not wimper, but all out cry. He was so annoyed and irritated. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. He began to throw his crayons, his toy helicopter (which no longer held his attention). He had officially lost his cool. AJ's tantrum had caused quite a stir in the 'coffee lounge'. Two white-haired women sitting close kept looking back. To which I explained, 'he's having a hard time'. They agreed and smiled, asking if he was 2. Shaking their heads like, 'been there, done that'. A manager-type came over and asked if there was anything they could give him. April replied, no, that she would just leave.

Wincing at his shrieks and getting a little hot from the looks we were receiving from the lounge patrons, I was struck by April's absolute cool nature. She did not lose it. She stayed calm and supported him, saying, "I know, I know." Truth be told I knew too. There are things we all want. When we do not or cannot get them, it is absolutely frustrating. April explained to me, he would relax a bit if the family with the boy and the toy of AJ's desire, would just leave.

It is true, the statement, 'out of sight, out of mind'. I have to pull myself away from things that frustrate and annoy me. I came here today mainly to delete some 'friends' from my Facebook page (as I am unable to do so on my mobile). The three culprits: My old best friend's mother and 12-year-old sister, my ex and a person from my past who successfully torments me from time to time. The little sister, well this is a no brainer, you're a little kid and I don't want you on my page. I felt bad deleting her because she has few friends and likes me. But if I see another post about how 'bored she is' or how she 'might go outside today', I swear I will scream. Her mother, well, another no brainer. Although she also likes me a lot, and refers to me as her daughter-in-law, let's be honest lady, your son is gay. I know you believe it's just a freaky phase he is going through. It's not, he's really gay. You and I being 'close' is not going to change that fact. I am so sorry to have to be the one to break this down to you. Plus, you do not respond or post anything. Your son showed himself to be a fair weather friend, and I will never forget that. Period.

My ex, well, if you met him, you'd understand. I don't want to satisfy your stalking fetish. Your current girlfriend is not only an idiot, but a insecure 40-plus-er. I don't mess with those b!tches. If you are over the age of 40 and still acting like a fool, I need my space AND distance. Because that's the kind of behavior that is all yours now. You're not going to outgrow that crazy. I have had my crazy moments, but they were in my 20s. Also, you only comment on my pictures which further creeps me out, when I comment on your page, I'm often ignored. I know you're trying to keep the fire down on your psychopathic girlfriend. I understand, so I hope you understand.

My habitual tormentor, well I have not forgotten how you flaked out on me when I recently invited you to a Bulls game. In fact, I have not forgotten about all the times you have flaked out or just stood me up, despite how much you 'miss me'. Yes, I understand that as usual you're in a relationship that has you going back and forth. I can recognize why she has clout over me and why as usual, I'm your, 'I have nothing else to do but f*ck with your emotions'. So I hope you understand that, yes, I ignored your call yesterday. And yes, I have deleted you, because I want nothing more to do with you. Being a friend of the family makes it hard for me to go straight Charlie Baltimore on your @ss. But you really must go. As the manager of the 'coffee lounge' stated to my girlfriend today, 'it's just too much'. Yes, April and AJ were asked to leave essentially. AJ knocking over the chair deliberately, probably didn't help (that just made me giggle to myself).

April, sent a text shortly after they left, to inform me that the situation had cooled down. AJ was feeling better and back to normal. Out of sight...the funny thing is, I was having anxiety over my deleting these individuals. I felt like I'd have to answer for it, that I might be confronted later. But until then...out of mind.